Congratulations Jimmy Haslam. You spent one billion dollars on the Cleveland Browns. In your first game as an owner, you were able to witness firsthand what we've called in Cleveland for the past 12 years "Browns Football". A horrible 17-13 loss to Indianapolis. This one had it all. A team woefully unprepared to play. Questionable game plans, both offensively and defensively. Incredibly stupid penalties. Backbreaking dropped passes. Special teams gaffes. And of course, gutless and stupid decisions by the coach. Welcome to the family Jimmy, you're amongst friends now.
How the Browns could have come out unprepared is beyond me, but that's what they did. With a bold strategy of sitting back in a soft zone defense against a rookie quarterback, Andrew Luck knifed through the Browns for scoring drives of 11 and 14 plays in the first half. The Browns answered the first Colts drive with a 16 play touchdown drive of their own, but their worthless punter/holder Reggie Hodges dropped the snap on the extra point. The Browns had a chance to score some more points at the end of the second quarter, but the Colts fooled Billy Winn (and no one else on the entire planet) by drawing him offsides on a 4th and 1 from their own 23 yard line. Seriously how do you not have your players prepared for that one, Dick? That allowed the Colts to run some more clock before punting back to the Browns, who took the ball with 1:42 left in the half. And in typical Shurmur fashion, he couldn't figure out what he wanted to do. He ran the ball on the first play, before passing for a first down. They moved the ball (lethargically) to the 35 before missing two passes, and then ran the ball again. After a series of awkward timeouts and penalties, the Browns finally took a shot at a hail mary, which fell incomplete.
At halftime Shurmur decided to go with the bold strategy of throwing the ball every play, in spite of the fact that the Colts have one of the worst run defenses in the league and had two guys rotating on their d line that had been with the team for 6 days. It appeared to work as the Browns took the third quarter kickoff and marched 80 yards in 6 plays for a Weeden to Gordon touchdown. However Dick Jauron's defense gave up a 17 play drive for a field goal, making the score 17-13. The teams traded punts until the Browns defense came up with the only turnover of the game, with a great sack and strip of Luck by Sheldon Brown. The Browns, with the ball at midfield, passed 9 yards to Benjamin on first down. After an incompletion on second and 1, Shurmur dialed up a play action pass on 3rd and 1. Weeden, falling away, threw up a beautiful pass right into the hands of Josh Gordon, who took a step with the ball before it unbelievably fell out of his hands. Josh, you've played well and look the part, but you've GOT to catch that pass. Un friggin believable. Here's Haslam's reaction to that one.
Following a timeout, Pat Shurmur decided to punt the ball. On 4th and 1. From the Colts 41 yard line. Down by 4 points. HE PUNTED THE FREAKING FOOTBALL. Of all the spineless gutless idiotic garbage decisions Pat Shurmur has ever made this one has to be the worst. What a loser. Hate to tell you Pat but your uncle's buddy Holmgren is gone. You don't have the luxury of time and nepotism anymore. You are going to have to actually coach to win games you dummy. Here was Jimmy Haslam's reaction to that decision, which is way more tame the the reaction that took place in my house.
I can't stand watching a loser for a coach anymore. Please just give me someone who understands basic football management. According to Brian Burke's AdvancedNFLStats.com the conversion percentage in that situation is 74% (link here).
There is also a 100% chance that you won't look like you have ovaries instead of testicles if you go for it. If you can't get a foot and a half against one of the worst defenses in the league that's a different problem. Anyway Pat the genius Shumur punts the ball. Under the direction of the worst special teams coach in the league, the league's worst punter, Reggie Hodges, boots the ball 21 yards, giving the Colts back the ball at the 20 yard line. By the way I think there was a penalty on every single punt or kick return. Great job Chris Tabor, keep up the good work. You're almost as worthless as the head coach.
The Browns actually stopped the Colts, but their last effort was thwarted when they failed to convert a 4th and 6 from the Colts 39. Shurmur said he would punt it again, which goes to show what an absolute moron he is. I can't wait until they fire that clown. Browns lose 17-13 in one of the few games where they have the more talented team. Cleveland Browns football Jimmy, welcome to Hell. Here's hoping you can turn it around.
Also it would be unfair to not congratulate Mike Holmgren on earning tens of millions of dollars for doing absolutely nothing. You are as worthless as the coach you hired, but it is impressive that you can make so much money for doing so little. Tony Grossi sums up Holmgren tenure best here, including a gem regarding Haslam beating Holmgen to work one day. Haslam's commute started in Knoxville, TN, Holmgren's in Bratenahl. What a joke, good riddance Mike. Thanks for nothing.
Random gifs
SuhPlex
German people are insane
Since I was sick and this is a couple days late, here's my apology gif from the Red River Rivalry.
